When all Hope Seems Lost

I sat on my bed and cried my eyes out at least once every night since I came back to school.  Some things were bothering me; in fact, some things were plaguing my being.  I could no longer put on the facade and smile for the people around me -  so I retreated into my room and cried. 

On a day in the week past, I was mad at God.  How could He?  He sent me to this school, promised to take care of me, then He vanished into the wilderness? (or so I thought).  I cried out to God every day, like a scared, lonely child in need of her lost father.  All I needed was some clarity...

Day 1. "Dear Father, I need You.  I need clarity on a few things.  This burden is heavy.  I know You haven't given me more than I can bear and I'm trusting you to take me through, but it hurts.  It's heavy.  I know that You will help me.  What do you require of me to do to make this go away?"

Day 2. "Father, I came to You yesterday in desperate need, but today seems worse.  Added to that, I still haven't gotten clarity on what move I should make.  When are you going to take this pain away?"

Day 3. "Look, God, I've asked before and I'm still waiting. Why are you so silent?  Plus, this other thing is still a thing.  I'm broken.  My tear-well is drying up.  My emotions are haywire.  I feel like I am going to explode.  I want to know how to fix this.  And why am I still waiting? I thought you cared about me? Why am I still suffering?"


Day 4. "Good morning God. Thanks for waking me up."

Day 5. "Thank You for waking me up. Amen."

By now, you must have picked up how quickly my fervent prayers faded into nothingness.  I was angry at God.  I had two giant mountains before me.  One was a direction I needed for my final project, the other, an interpersonal conflict.  I cried out to God day after day after day to show me the way; yet the more I prayed, the more silent I felt He became.  What was He trying to teach me?  I couldn't understand how God operated.  He's promising to always be there, yet going ghost on me? Nah God. Not cool. 

 Weeks past.  I eventually decided on my own to seek the help of others and give God a rest as I thought God had left me alone.  I kept probing and probing until I gave up.  God wasn't helping.  They weren't helping. What lesson was I supposed to learn from this? It was affecting my relationship with others.  Every time a conversation would arise about my project, I would get angry on the inside.  I wasn't sure who this anger was directed towards, but it was brewing within me.

All hope seemed lost.  The days were closing in; the time was getting shorter and I couldn't get a head start.  I was afraid.  I kept trying to peep into my future to see how things would turn out, but I couldn't.  I sat on my bed confused and angry.  

I turned on Skype and hit the call button.  It was Kenny.  It was in the midst of an apology, turned into a new argument, turned into a sermon, where the clarity was given. That's it! I gasped.  My jaw dropped; my bottom lip hanging low and my eyes wide open! It was in that moment, at the time I least expected, God inspired me to choose a suitable topic.  I gave up trying to pressure God to answer me and I gave up trying to do it on my own and I let go completely.
But Seriously God? Are you trying to be funny?

Hope is something we hold unto.  It almost seems like we need it for survival.  When hope seems lost, we become lost.  We don't see the end of the tunnel; all we see ahead of us is a darkness that keeps going and going and going, without end.  However, it is in those moments, God takes the time to show us that He's still there and that He's been standing, running, crawling and walking with us every step of the way.

Our Heavenly Father never leaves us nor forsakes us.  He is always there with us.  Yet sometimes, it feels like He is no longer there. Why? 🤔 God knows that in the midst of these difficult situations, we will draw closer to Him.  Seems a bit weird and a little bit.....much, huh? But it isn't.  It is in our most difficult situations, we then realize how much we need God in our lives.  This propels us to seek Him more than we've ever done before.  We pray more. We ask more.  We wait more.  We listen more.  We're humbled even more. 

So whenever you feel like you're about to lose it all, look to God and be patient.  He hasn't gone anywhere.  Trust me!  He's right there with you.  He's waiting for you to stop turning your wheel into the direction of others and into the directions your spirit leads you, instead of His Spirit.  He wants you to steer your focus away from everything else that consumes you and look to Him.  He's the one with the answers, the clarity, and what we need - when all hope seems lost.